So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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