Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
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