I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
