you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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