Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
