I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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