woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
