If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
