JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
