I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
