Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
