I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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