i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
