I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
