So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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