He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
