The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
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All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
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There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
you made out with another girl for some wings
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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