I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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