I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
