And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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