I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My bed smells like the plague
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize