I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
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