I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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