what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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