I accidentally had phone sex last night
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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