What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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