Will you blow on my dice?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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