in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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