I CAN MOONWALK!
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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