why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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