I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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