He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
