thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
