They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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