Please, let me fuck your mom
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
What a dumb baby whore.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
