halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
