I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Your penis caused this!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
