I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
