so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
