Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
