not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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