as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
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