Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
