So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The beer is more important than you right now.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
