i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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