Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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