Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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