This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
