this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
