fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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