I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
