some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
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im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
50% drunk capacity currently
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
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There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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