Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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