Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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