addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
