Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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