When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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